Secret #6: Connection in marriage

Marriage is an excellent example of a connection.

We all need to realize that “A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love”. Pearl Buck (1892 – 1973)

This is why, for those who are not yet married, you need to know the person you intend to marry to some extent before you make that life-long commitment because that’s exactly what marriage is – a life–long commitment; “till death does you part”. Excluding those words from your marriage vows does not change the fact that marriage is a life-long commitment as ordained by God. Have you ever wondered why some wedding bands are used? There may be a hint there... Well, I tell you, marriage is full of surprises ask those who've been married for 25 years or more but there are some avoidable surprises if you take the time before marriage to get to know the person you'll be with for the rest of your life.

For those of us who are already married, we must consciously allow and even encourage growth in our husbands (or wives – for men). Allowing each other to grow is a sign of courage, love and even friendship. Elizabeth Foley: The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. And I believe this is true in marriage. Each person has a distinct purpose in God and we can help each other fulfill that purpose by letting them grow.

Elizabeth’s statement brings us to a foundational aspect of the marriage connection: Friendship. When you read Songs of Solomon, you also notice the level of friendliness – they had pet names for each other. I’m not saying that you should have a pet name for your husband (or wife if you’re a man) but Adam had a pet name for his wife “Eve” – yes – look at Genesis 2:23, you’ll see that God called her “Woman”; Adam called her “Eve” in Genesis 3:20.

I believe that having a pet name has it’s way of fostering friendship and closeness. I agree with Friedrich Nietzsche who said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” Too many people start off as friends and them switch into a mechanical “husband” and “wife” roles and throw friendship out the window – that’s not right.

All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand. (Ella Wheeler Wilcox)

For those who are not yet married, please take your time to develop a friendship with the person you intend to marry – years into the marriage you’ll appreciate the “staying power” of your friendship. I can tell you that from personal experience – by now you’d know my husband and I are good, no I mean, best friends.

For those who are happily married, please do all you can to retain the joy in your marriage by protecting your friendship – your best and closest friend must be your husband (or wife – for the men who read this blog).

For those who are “unhappily” married, please look back at what brought both of you together and rebuild your relationship. A wise unknown person said: “Love lasts when the relationship comes first.”

I could go on and on on marriage but suffice it to say that all of us who are married should take a cue from Søren Kierkegaard who said: “Love does not alter the beloved, it alters itself.” I’m convinced our marriages and other relationships will be blessed when we do. Stay connected.